guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
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