So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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