a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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