toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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