Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
