I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Randomize
