So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
please come you make the beer taste better
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
