I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
