I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
