walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Randomize
