Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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