i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
