I'm eating all of the evidence.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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