life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
