I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
How's work?
Spinning.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
