i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I got inside last night via doggy door
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Randomize
