just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I cut my penus on the lid.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Couch. On fire.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
