Me. At least after what I've been through.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
