SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I have aggressive nipples.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
