Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
