My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize