Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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