hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
