I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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