How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Randomize
