someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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