I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
