I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
