He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
