i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
