I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
There r osticjed everywhere
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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