If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
