she's into porn, im staying here tonight
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Randomize
