Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
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