First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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