First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
