True but thats because hes a fetus.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
