Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
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