At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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