the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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