life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
