I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
