Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
