That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
