i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize