I smell stomach acid.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
We have so much sex to catch up on
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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