oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
