My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
