there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
