Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
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