I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
