Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
