I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
