I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
