omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
