Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
They are going to name an STD after you.
Randomize