Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
