Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
