he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
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