I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
