I understand why you refuse to be sober now
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Randomize
