he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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