I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
My life is pants optional.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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