I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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