Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
