This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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