i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
