Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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