i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
foreskin is a definite game changer
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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