I want you more than these girls want KFC
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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