If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
