my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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