Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
